Mala Fide dotcom

Cute is evil.

Friday, July 25, 2014

How To Not Kill Yourself

I failed to corpsify myself last Thursday. The Super Sibling Squad is smarter than me. They put together the clues, figured out which social network service I was using to schedule updates, and grabbed the addy of the hotel from what was supposed to be my final update.

Room #666

The Cheap Hotel

On the Local Name Road

Don’t tell the others, but you’re my favo(u)rite.

(My updates have an international audience.)

I also left a note in the room: “I was on Earth all along!”, blowing all my best material on my presumed death.

I was going to die on apple vodka and store brand benadryl, neither of which I will *ever* touch again. If I had been serious I would have waited out the credit check and gotten a tank of nitrogen, but I get lazy when I’m suicidal. But as the title says, I failed, praise Elvis, Bettie, and all the saints.

Dead is cold, dark, and lonely. I was never happier than when I heard a voice telling my mother that I was breathing on my own and the tube was coming out. When the light and air came back my easy-to-love mother was there. I apologized to her and cried a lot.

There’ll be a real bill to play, but until then my family is paying an emotional price for my idiocy, poor health, stress induced problems, tears, heart-break, all on my head. I’ve even managed to piss off the entire interfacebooknet. Sorry not-imaginary peeps.

Listen to Uncle Ray, kids, find someone to talk to. Unless you’re actually in hospice there’s a way home. You may feel like a giant wuss for, y’know, having ‘feelings’ and shit, but you’ll be a *live* wuss and chicks dig that ‘feelings’ shit.

And death is a cold, dark, lonely, place, and there is no way, *no way* home.

posted by latiolais at 0825  

Saturday, January 25, 2014

How To Not Kill Yourself

I failed to corpsify myself last Thursday. The Super Sibling Squad is smarter than me. They put together the clues, figured out which social network service I was using to schedule updates, and grabbed the addy of the hotel from what was supposed to be my final update.

Room #666

The Cheap Hotel

On the Local Name Road

Don’t tell the others, but you’re my favo(u)rite.

(My updates have an international audience.)

I also left a note in the room: “I was on Earth all along!”, blowing all my best material on my presumed death.

I was going to die on apple vodka and store brand benadryl, neither of which I will *ever* touch again. If I had been serious I would have waited out the credit check and gotten a tank of nitrogen, but I get lazy when I’m suicidal. But as the title says, I failed, praise Elvis, Bettie, and all the saints.

Dead is cold, dark, and lonely. I was never happier than when I heard a voice telling my mother that I was breathing on my own and the tube was coming out. When the light and air came back my easy-to-love mother was there. I apologized to her and cried a lot.

There’ll be a real bill to play, but until then my family is paying an emotional price for my idiocy, poor health, stress induced problems, tears, heart-break, all on my head. I’ve even managed to piss off the entire interfacebooknet. Sorry not-imaginary peeps.

Listen to Uncle Ray, kids, find someone to talk to. Unless you’re actually in hospice there’s a way home. You may feel like a giant wuss for, y’know, having ‘feelings’ and shit, but you’ll be a *live* wuss and chicks dig that ‘feelings’ shit.

And death is a cold, dark, lonely, place, and there is no way, *no way* home.

posted by latiolais at 0810  

Monday, April 29, 2013

Career opportunities

A few career options for me to consider if I’m ever well enough to work again.

High-energy prop comic.
"Hey! Lookit this!"

Wal-Mart greeter.
"Welcome to hell, you cheap-ass redneck!"

Coffee shop secret shopper.
"You’re going down, you patchouli drenched hipster!"

Maybe not…

Whaddya think, sirs?

posted by latiolais at 1100  

Monday, March 26, 2012

DEE! ESS! TEE!

I’ve saved so much daylight that I’ve replaced Dead Don Meredith as sun tea spokesman!

I’ve saved so much daylight that I’ve been able to give up my Darque Tan membership!

I’ve saved so much daylight that even when I’m not lying my pants are on fire!

I’ve saved so much daylight that I can post status updates in the dark!

I’ve saved so much daylight that my risk of skin cancer is up 14%!

I’ve saved so much daylight that I’m now the exclusive distributor of Superman’s funky yellow sun high!

I’ve saved so much daylight that April will, in fact, be a month of Sundays!

I’ve saved so much daylight that Mothra has attacked the Fortress of Squalitude! The Tiny Beauties aren’t as tiny as I thought they’d be.

I’ve saved so much daylight that when I look into the abyss it has to wear sunglasses to look back!

I’ve saved so much daylight I was already lit up when St. Patrick’s Day dawnéd!

The daylight saving powered evil ray is complete! Everyone at the community college said I was mad, but I’ll show them! I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!

posted by latiolais at 1230  

Friday, November 18, 2011

Frog Powder Seagull Tower Scissors

I’ve been writing.

Frog. Frenchman. See what I did there?

posted by latiolais at 1830  

Monday, October 31, 2011

It’s more like typing

There’s a hastily written, egregiously unoriginal tale for All Hallows E’en at my writing blog.

Boo!

posted by latiolais at 0800  
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