It’s the US Labor Day holiday weekend and I plan on lazing about. Here are three quotes for three days.
"Martyrdom is a tough racket."
Peter C. Melman
"It’s easier to ask forgivness than it is to get permission."
Admiral Grace Murray Hopper
"But we exhort you, brethren, to do so more and more, to aspire to live quietly, to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we charged you; so that you may command the respect of outsiders, and be dependent on nobody."
1 Thessalonians 4:11
Maybe that last one will get me into Purgatory.
The plan was to build on yesterday’s post, but I’ve had a long day. Instead I’ll bitch about ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass. You have to say it that way. It’s the same rule that makes everyone say Rocker Tommy Lee.
The National Aeronautics and Space Administration Johnson Space Center Mission Operations Directorate Technical Data Center’s Customer Service Coordinator is…ME! That’s right, y’all…I work in The Space Program. Don’t worry though, I’m not allowed near anything that costs more than a photocopier. It’s a cool job and I’ve met a lot of interesting people, French astronauts, Moby, the guy who figured out what was wrong with Tom Hanks’ spacecraft…but I haven’t met ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass even though he’s at JSC this week training for a Soyuz flight to the International Space Station.
Let me confess; I find ‘N Sync entertaining. Not their music mind you, but the fact that they’re willing to make fun of themselves and do it pretty well. I’m still laughing about the Armageddon spoof they were in at the MTV Movie Awards a few years ago.
I also like Russians. They never give me the "You never smile" grief I get from Americans and have their own alphabet. Very serious, hardworking people with their own alphabet, the Russians. And they’re sending an American pop star into space. Not the US…the Russians, who have their own alphabet.
The Russians, who have their own alphabet, use "uncultured" as a deadly insult. If a Russian (the Russians have their own alphabet) ever tells you something that sounds like "nikulturniy", break out the dueling pistols. But if they’re going to send ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass into space, I think that the UN should issue a mandate barring Russians, who have their own alphabet, from calling anyone uncultured. At least until they send someone cool into space. David Bowie, maybe. We could rescind the nikulturniy ban for Bowie.
And that makes us larger than life.
Yesterday I managed to get lost for about an hour and a half in deepest Houston. During my excursion I spotted an airport control tower. In this area it meant I was either near Hobby Airport or Ellington Field. Since I’ve never been to Hobby, I was hoping for Ellington because if it were, I was no longer lost. In sight of the tower was a place that called itself a "modeling studio". Modeling studios used to be massage parlors, i.e., I’d found a whorehouse. This lent credence to the Ellington theory because it’s a former Air Force base and still has an Air Force presence. Where there’s a camp there are camp followers. No luck though. Well, not for me, anyway. It was Hobby. Which is funnier, I suppose.
Which brings me to euphemisms.
Euphemisms are the act of substituting a vague term for a direct one. It’s the most common form of what (WARNING: CLICHÉD, PARANOID CULTURAL REFERENCE AHEAD!) George Orwell called "Newspeak". A lot of the things we hear today are the results of attempts to be pleasant and positive. A lot of it just sounds nice. I blame the self help gurus. So, please, I beg you, DO NOT, NOT EVER, use the word "proactive" again. Ever. Please also avoid "actualize" and "empower". I don’t want to have to hurt anyone…
"Homeland Security". Now there’s a euphemism waiting to happen.
Today I was swapping email with a friend. Let’s call her Demonia, shall we? It was just her thoughts on this waste of bandwidth and some general buddy chit-chat. I asked a question that I always ask and got a good exchange. Here are some excerpts.
Evil Ray: PS – What color draws you wearin’?
Demonia: Draws are lavender with purple and pink pattern – very retro!
Evil Ray: Oooo…lavender draws. I have to lie down for a minute.
Demonia: You are retarded. What other colors do you like? I want to know if they are in my repertoire…
Evil Ray: LOL. Thanks. I love you too. I’m a big fan of small white panties, but I know that you chicks (there I go again) have to have some color.
Demonia: Yeah, I’m not really a white panty girl. I like the patterns or black or fun colors – I don’t really do white. Figures. You know, I think that girls get ready with the mindset of impressing other girls – not guys. If guys had their way, all of us girls would wear no makeup (and look great, of course) and white cotton panties with our hair in a ponytail or tucked under a baseball cap. Ha! And what do we do, makeup, big hair, and colorful undies! Something to think about….
Something to think about indeed. Here’s what I think:
If you’re an attractive young lady, 21 to…18 to 3…18 to 28 and would be interested in a low rent Sugar Daddy, contact me. You must wear no makeup (and look great, of course) and white cotton panties with your hair in a ponytail or tucked under a baseball cap. Pictures must be provided; one head shot and one full body shot in the white panties.
Hmmmm…this website thing might just be worth my while…
During Hurricane Andrew I had my last cigarette, so I’ve been smoke free for an even decade now. GO ME! Even after this long I’m still very pleased and mildly amazed that I was able to stop. I’d like to thank GlaxoSmithKline, the National Weather Service, and ME! GO ME!
"Hi. My name is Ray, and I’m a recovering smoker."
I chose Mala Fide as a domain name because evilray.com (archive) was taken. It’s very embarrasing having your nickname hijacked by a bunch of Jedi.
It’s even more embarassing to misspell your own domain name. I registered and parked the name with Go Daddy, then signed up with
DreamHost to host the domain. I dropped a letter and gave DreamHost the wrong domain name, "malfide.com", then proceeded to misspell at least one word on every message I sent to support for help. My natural dyslexia was exacerbated by the lateness of the hour. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. My imaginary friend Shiva said, "This has the makings of a Cajun joke."
One day a Cajun named Latiolais went online and…