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I like my women the way I like my music. Fast and loud.

Monday, September 30, 2002

30 SEP 02

Many people believe in conspiracy theories. There are reasons for this, but none of them are particularly good reasons.

  • Laziness. A conspiracy theory saves them from having to actually think about what’s going on.
  • Irresponsibility. A conspiracy theory allows them to avoid accountability.
  • Aggrandizement. A conspiracy theory allows them to think they’re important enough to be conspired against and gives them a secret knowledge that makes them superior to other people.
  • Wish Fulfillment. Conspiracy theorist believe in conspiracy theories because it’s what they would do if they could get away with it. The only people who believe in conspiracies are conspirators.

There are more reasons but the gray aliens told me that the Trilateralist Commission would sent UN "Peacekeepers" in black helicopters to silence me if I said anything more. Besides, the real truth is more than you can handle.

Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare. Except for Hamlet, of course. That was written by an infinite number of monkeys.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Saturday, September 28, 2002

28-29 SEP 02

Most crimes are committed by young men. I remember being a young man, if I was bored enough for a long enough time I’d end up doing something really stupid.

I have an Evil Plan™, a Nefarious Scheme™, that I’m certain will reduce young men’s tendency towards criminal behavior worldwide. This plan involves me being absolute ruler of the entire human race.

Surrender now. My rule will not be a reign of terror but there will be the occasional light shower.

After My arbitrary will becomes law, the entire island of New Guinea will be turned over to My Ministry of Painful Corrective Action. My MPCA will eliminate all traces of modern life from the island and seed it with every dangerous plant and animal from this world and any other world My Ministry of Space Exploration and Universal Domination might discover. Any of My loyal (or else) subjects who inhabit either Papua New Guinea or the Indonesian state of Irian Jaya may remain on the island provided they agree to live as stone age cannibal headhunters. Platforms will be built at five mile intervals one mile from the shore and the costal waters will be seeded with great white sharks. The island will be renamed “Hell” and allowed to stew for a few years to let the new ecologies settle in.

After Hell is ready the real fun begins. Sometime in their 14th year all young men will be taken without warning by My MPCA and dropped into the center of Hell with only a loincloth and a bowie knife. They must make their way through the cannibal headhunters and dangerous animals of the interior to the coast. If they survive that, they must then swim through the shark infested waters to the platforms. My MPCA boats will make regular circuits and will pick the little darlings up. After the initial visit, any male who transgresses My law will be returned to Hell.

All of this will serve three purposes. The first will be a rite of passage for young men everywhere; don’t discount the value of a good ritual. The second will be a weeding process; any youth who doesn’t survive wouldn’t be fit to be conscripted into My legions. The last will be that the promise of a return trip for scofflaws will be a gentle push to abstentiousness.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Friday, September 27, 2002

27 SEP 02

It’s almost October and time to bust out your copy of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The film is a twisted version of those eerily cheerful, stop-motion Rankin-Bass Christmas specials. It takes place in Halloween Town. H-Town has a mayor (“I’m only an elected official!”), but is really lead by Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King. H-Towners spend all year preparing for Halloween, unless it’s Halloween, of course. After one Halloween, Jack becomes unaccountably depressed and wanders off into the woods outside of town. There he finds a set of magic doors leading to other holiday worlds. He ends up in Christmas Town and witnesses elves making toys for the good kids, reindeer flying, and Sandy Claws. Jack see things in a Halloweeny way. Jack has found new inspiration; he’s going to be Sandy Claws! Of course, things go awry and Jack learns a Very Important Lesson™; be your own ghoulish self.

The movie is animated in very well done stop-motion (bless Ray Harryhausen, he makes up for Ray Manzareck) and is a visual treat. It’s also a very good musical and I don’t like musicals. Elfman’s music and lyrics fit the atmosphere of the film very well, and he provides Jack Skellington’s singing voice. It sounds a bit strange (and it is), but it’s a great movie that gets a message across without being stupid or polemic, and works on a level that children and adults can both appreciate. And who knew the Boogie Man could sing the blues like that?

Nice work, bone daddy.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Thursday, September 26, 2002

26 SEP 02

And now I will read your mind…OVER THE INTERNET!

Ooooooeeeeeeeooooooo…

Pick a number from 1 to 10. Don’t tell me what it is!

Multiply your number by 9. Here’s the 9’s table if you missed that day. Hold your mouse over a number and your answer will magically appear.

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10

Add all the digits in your answer together and subtract 5 from the total. If your number was 37 then 3+7=10, 10-5=5.

We’re going to convert your number into a letter. 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, and so on; in our example, 5 becomes E. Here’s another table in case we’re going to fast for you. Hold your mouse over your number and the letter will magically appear.

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Think of a country with a name that begins with your letter. If you’re geographically challenged check out this list.

Take the last letter in the name of the your country and think of an animal with a name that begins with that letter. I’m not giving you anymore help.

Last step! Take the last letter in the name of your animal and choose a color that begins with that letter. I said I’m not helping!

Hold your mouse over this self-referential sentence for the answer.

Ooooooeeeeeeeooooooo…

Hey, Rocky! Wanna see me pull a rabbit outta my hat?

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

25 SEP 02

It’s not that I find words so fascinating, it’s what we do with them.

"Natural" is mistakenly used as a synonym for "good". There was (and may still be) a brand of cigarettes marketed as "all natural"; pesticides hadn’t been used on the tobacco and it might have been "organically" grown. "Organic" means that real pig shit was used as fertilizer. These cigarettes remained "all natural" despite being filter tipped. People fell for this. The cigarettes were even featured in Escape From L.A., a movie in which an EMP device zapped all higher technology and "set the human race back 500 years." I wonder where the one-eyed protagonist would get his cigarettes and Zippo refills after that.

"Unnatural" is, of course, baaaad…very bad. In pre-industrial times when one must assume that people lived very natural lives and were one with the earth, whether they liked it or not, life expectancy was about 40 years. But now, because of our sin of unnaturalness, we live about twice that long. Baaaad.

There are a few ponds on the central mall at Johnson Space Center. A flock of mallard ducks makes its home in one of the
ponds. In the spring of this year, I was having lunch by the duck pond. It was mating season. Some of the ducks were mating. Perfectly natural. It was also very ugly. Two of the drakes were fighting about knocking boots with one hen while they were knocking boots with her. They beat each other up to get laid and they beat her up to make her hold still and let them lay her. Perfectly natural.

"To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."

Fran Lebowitz

Thay…ith that any way for you fellowths to treat a lady?

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

24 SEP 02

From Merriam-Webster.

Nice

Pronunciation: ‘nIs

Function: adjective

Inflected Form(s): nic·er; nic·est

Etymology: Middle English, foolish, wanton, from Old French, from Latin nescius: ignorant, from nescire: not to know — more at NESCIENCE

Date: 14th century

1 obsolete a : WANTON, DISSOLUTE b : COY, RETICENT

2 a : showing fastidious or finicky tastes : PARTICULAR (too nice a palate to enjoy junk food) b : exacting in requirements or standards : PUNCTILIOUS (a nice code of honor)

3 : possessing, marked by, or demanding great or excessive precision and delicacy (nice measurements)

4 obsolete : TRIVIAL

5 a : PLEASING, AGREEABLE (a nice time) (a nice person) b : well-executed (nice shot) c : APPROPRIATE, FITTING (not a nice word for a formal occasion)

6 a : socially acceptable : WELL-BRED (from a nice family) b : VIRTUOUS, RESPECTABLE (was taught that nice girls don’t do that)

7 : POLITE, KIND (that’s nice of you to say)

synonym see CORRECT

– nice adverb

– nice·ly adverb

– nice·ness noun

Cute is funny too.

"Be nice"? Are you sure about that?

posted by latiolais at 0800  
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