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Monday, September 23, 2002

23 SEP 02

The three most overrated bands in rock history.

Jefferson Airplane – A song about drugs that borrows heavily from Lewis Carroll sung by a former model seem to be the basis for this band’s entire rep. Airplane is more a product of recreational drug use rather than a leader of the psychedelic. A lot of important things happened in the late 1960’s, but this band wasn’t one of them.

Nirvana – The whole grunge movement was enjoyable and Nirvana was at the bleeding edge of it, but it was nothing more than a marketable variety of punk. It’s been about ten years since it broke and its already rock history. The only thing keeping any buzz about Nirvana going is the fact that Kurt Cobain suicided (or succumbed to your favorite conspiracy) and thus ensured rock sainthood. If he hadn’t gone ad patres he’d have undertaken (sorry) the difficult task of being a gracefully aging rock artist or become a staple of VH1’s Behind the Music.

The Doors – Another band carried beyond its shelf life by a dead guy. Their music is passable, although they sound like a lounge act at times. As the psychedelic movement gained some mainstream cachet a band like the Doors was bound to happen and Jim Morrison was the pretentious humanities major to make it happen. And of course he OD’d before the Doors were entirely forgotten guaranteeing the band’s immortality. And Ray Manzarek just annoys me. He’s become the head of the Jim Morrison cult and gives all of us Rays a bad name.

None of these bands were active during my Youth. "Youth" being the period of our lives from our late teens to our mid-twenties that we never grow out of or spend the rest of our lives paying for. It’s the time when the music of the subculture we pledge allegiance to becomes The Music which all other music will ever be compared to. My Youth was spent listening to ska and the end of the original wave of punk. They aren’t represented on the list because that stuff ROCKS, man, and cannot be overrated!

Tupac and Biggie are in hiding. They’re working on an album together. For real, y’all!

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Saturday, September 21, 2002

21-22 SEP 02

If you see quotes it means I’m being lazy. See the quotes? I’m being lazy.

"The absence of a thing is not its opposite."

Ray Adam Latiolais

"I prefer the wicked to the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest."

Alexandre Dumas, pere

I’m going to take a nap.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Friday, September 20, 2002

20 SEP 02

2036 – SECOND WEDNESDAY IN NOVEMBER – A DARK (OR AT LEAST INSUFFICIENTLY LIT) VISION OF THE FUTURE

© 2002 Ray Adam Latiolais

"Good morrow, gentle sir. How may we help thee this fine day?"

I usually don’t pay attention to the way teens and twenties speak, but this faux Shakesperian crap they do now makes me feel as if I were living at a Ren Fair(e). My health monitor beeped and began action to get the physical symptoms of my annoyance under control, this further annoyed me so I hit the override and enjoyed my pique.

"Large mocha, plain bagel, please. Nothing else."

I added the "nothing else" out of habit. The art of the upsell has been lost since point of purchase pop-up ads. The kid behind the counter looked a bit surprised when no hologram popped up for me. The level of ad protection I subscribe to is almost unheard of. I blew up a projector at Target once.

As I moved to the pick up counter the assist cuffs currently snugged to all my major joints hummed. The therapy was nearly over and I was looking forward to no longer wearing them. The doctor called the noise "incidental", but it conducted through my bones and pained my newly restored hearing.

"Thy bev…"

I cut the barrista off before she went critically Ophelian.

"Thanks."

No point in being an old man if you can’t be grumpy.

The weather was pleasant so I took an outdoor table. After settling in, I placed my PC on the table. I had avoided the news over the last week or so, but now it was time to find out who the new president was. Taking full advantage of the Senior Voting Act (damned hippies had turned out to be good for something), my vote had been cast in October and went to the Libertarian splinter party that was the least absurd. I was happy to have something besides Democrats and Republicans to vote for but did they always have to be so weird? I girded my loins and booted the PC.

An animation of a penguin kicking a jaguar’s ass filled the screen. The animation was replaced by my workspace. I tapped the lizard with my stylus and navigated to the CNNBS site and called up the live stream. Serena Altschul was already breaking it down.

"…the Vice President conceded to the senator from Louisiana earlier this morning…"

Damn. At least four years of Christian Republicans fooling around with my nearly nonexistent SS. I’m glad I invested in Segway. I suppose it could be worse; President-Elect Spears had stopped performing when she took up politics.

The really great shape of things to come?

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Thursday, September 19, 2002

19 SEP 02

Kant’s Categorical Imperative: "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law."

I’ve edited Mr. Kant’s imperative to allow it to sink into my mean and selfish little mind.

"EVERYONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO DO THE SAME THINGS AS YOU, DUMBASS!"

I’m all about self-affirmation.

That’s a strange expression, Bruce.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

18 SEP 02

Today we’ll learn how to kill time with online translators. By translating phrases from language to language and eventually back into the original language (in my case a rather idiosyncratic version of American English) the end result is a mangled, sometimes funny, version of the original. English-French-German-English usually gives good results. The Managment used BabelFish to "accomplish" today’s post.

A handy phrase becomes handier:

Excuse me, but this fish has followed me into your fine establishment. Would you please summon the police?

Excusez-moi, mais ce poisson m’a suivi dans votre bon établissement. Appelleriez-vous svp la police?

Entschuldigen Sie es, aber dieser Fisch ist mir in Ihre gute Einrichtung gefolgt. Bedarf Sie bitte der Polizei?

Excuse it, but this fish followed me into your good mechanism. Requires you please the police?

It’s not a great result, but "your good mechanism" could be useful in picking up chicks. Or whatever it is that you pick up…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Kazoos are always funny:

My kazoo has broken! Is there a repair shop nearby?

Mon kazoo s’est cassé! Y a-t-il un atelier de réparations tout près?

Mein kazoo gebrochen hat! Gibt es eine Reparaturwerkstatt ganz nahe?

Mine broke kazoo! Is there a repair workshop completely near?

Not only can "Mine broke kazoo!" be used as a handy interjection, but "Reparaturwerkstatt" teaches us that the Germans don’t do anything the easy way. The Germans are cruel people; some of their operas last three or four days.

One for The Original Pythonette™:

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Personne ne s’attend à la recherche espagnole!

Niemand erwartet sich die spanische Forschung!

Nobody expects itself the Spanish research!

I hear that we’ll see some amazing things in next generation bullfighting.

Hay dos chicas in el jacuzzi, and that’s the way I like it.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

17 SEP 02

Yeah, I listen to NPR. You can find the story that set me off on the All Things Considered 16 September 2002 show. It’s called Covert Marketing.

Stealth marketing. Really. I’m not making it up. Since we’ve all learned to tune out commercials, the ad companies are going to bring them to us live. Corporate guerilla theater. The example I found referenced the most was for a new device from Sony Ericsson, a cell phone/digital camera. They’ve hired people to pose as tourists who’ll engage passers by to take a picture of them with the device thus giving a "spontaneous" product demonstration. They’ve also hired a bevy of good looking women to go into bars with the phone/camera and provoke encounters with patrons (and maybe even matrons) and then receive a timely phone call on this Jetsonian device, or use the phone to play Battleship with the other hottie across the bar. Of course they will never identify themselves as Sony Ericsson reps. The job market for strippers must be saturated.

This isn’t new. Ad companies have been using what are called "leaners" for about a decade now. They call them leaners because they’ll go trendy clubs, lean into the bar and order the product they’ve been hired to sell. We sheep then say, "Gosh. I will emulate this Very Cool Person by drinking what they drink and become a Very Cool Person myself and chicks will dig me. Baaa."

This is reprehensible. This is abhorrent. This is lower than even the "I’m going to D****y!", selling the moment crap that was committed at sporting events. This is beneath infomercials. I doubt that even Ron Popeil would sink this…no, never mind; Ron will sink this low. And it’s just the beginning. This evil idea (and Ray knows evil) is too good for marketers to pass up on. There’ll be hip couples in music stores hired by Interscope pretending to buy Interscope CD’s; hotties of all flavors hired by The Gap to go to The Gap wearing whatever The Gap has overstocked; studious, yet attractive people from Random House in bookstores and coffee houses studiously, yet attractively reading the latest Random House book; live Mentos commercials – the horror!

After I get over being mad I’m going to come up with ways of torturing with these people. Since the offender will actually be in my presence I expect that it will be immensely more gratifying than subjecting telemarketers to my evil at a distance.

“Swoosh.”

posted by latiolais at 0800  
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