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I've lost the game.

Monday, March 31, 2003

31 MAR 03

"It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar."

Jerome K. Jerome

행복한 월요일!

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Saturday, March 29, 2003

29-30 MAR 03

From Merriam-Webster.

Duck Soup

Function: noun

Date: 1912

: something easy to do

I’m not lazy, I’m activity challenged.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Friday, March 28, 2003

28 MAR 03

"What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"

Arthur Name

Hear Arthur speak.

Monty Python’s Pythonline.

“Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Thursday, March 27, 2003

27 MAR 03

Just when you think things can’t get any stupider, something celestially moronic appears.

The anti-French thing has gone too far. As proof I offer this press release from the makers of French’s Mustard (thanks, Mrs. King). Here’s a text version of the release. Please note that the Dijon (a city in France) mustard is now Napa Valley (a place in, like, California, USA) style Dijon.

Les mêmes, mais dans le Français faible, grâce au Babel Fish:

Au moment même où vous pensez les choses ne peuvent pas devenir plus stupides, quelque chose complètement idiote apparaît.

La chose anti-Française est allée trop loin. Comme la preuve j’offrent ce communiqué de presse des fabricants de la French’s Mustard (merci, Mme. Legeaux). Voici une version des textes du communiqué. Veuillez noter que la moutarde de Dijon (une ville en France) est maintenant Dijon de la modèle de Napa Valley (un endroit dans, comme, la Californie, Etats-Unis).

C’est en français également.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

26 MAR 03

When I first woke yesterday morning I knew some extra bedtime was called for. I decided to stay in bed until the last possible minute and forgo a homemade mocha. The last possible minute arrived. I threw on some clothes (yes Mom, they were clean), brushed my teefeses, medicated, and rolled. It was necessary to pull my roll up short when I realized that, while I had a full St*b**ks gift card to pay for a mocha, I didn’t have cash for a Sausage McGriddle. A fast check of my change sorter came up with several dollars, but all in rolls of pennies. I refuse to pay in rolls of pennies. It’s so basse classe, y’all. An ATM stop was added to the agenda, but since there’s one adjacent to the local McD’s it wouldn’t add too much time to the trip. Again, I rolled.

The ATM withdrawal went smoothly, but I forgot to head back to McD’s and accidentally entered traffic at a point that committed me to a route with no possibility of a U-turn until I was past St*rb**ks. C’est le trafic. There’s another McD’s almost on my route to work. I would still be able to hit it and git it and be at work on time. I pulled into St*rb**ks and got an anonymous mocha. They’ve caught on to my name not being “Carl”. I entered traffic again.

Houston traffic just plain sucks. No matter how many lanes there are, I end up behind the old folks in the Caddy. If I get out from behind them, I’ll find myself behind the ‘kicker in a monster truck who starts braking three blocks before the light. If you haven’t put it together yet, my day had started poorly and was gathering speed in its plunge. Then I spilled mocha into my lap. Not a dribble mind you, but an amount that could be measured in ounces. This would not do.

I pulled into a parking lot to grab the hands-free thingy for my phone, and called work to let them know I’d be late as I headed back to Casa del Ray. The trip was uneventful, if damp. I wasn’t fuming yet, but the annoyedometer was on the rise. I changed, and after a fast auto cleaning, was back on the road.

Having called in, I could relax a bit and let the annoyedometer drop back into the yellow zone. I made it to McD’s this time and, after an inordinately long wait for "fast food", got my heart-stopping breakfast. The traffic was a lot thicker than at my usual time and I was forced to eat in the car. I arrived at work just a half hour late; about what I expected.

About a half hour after my tardy arrival, I reached for my mocha and nearly spilled it on my desk. The lid had cracked and was loose. It was at this point that I realized what was happening.

The forces of the Anti-Ray had been loosed upon the face of the Earth!

So I surrendered. It was going to be a suck day no matter what I did, so I might as well ride the tide of enmity and survive the day. I was feeling better already. Then carefully holding the lid on my mocha, I took a sip.

And spilled it in my lap.

The final score is Mocha 2, Ray 0.

“I will do such things,–what they are, yet I know not: but they shall be the terrors of the earth.” King Lear: Act 2

posted by latiolais at 0800  

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

25 MAR 03

Things Ray Says #11:

"Where there’s a Evil Ray, there’s an evil way."™

(Insert rimshot here.)

posted by latiolais at 0800  
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