Mala Fide dotcom

It’s not humor, it’s satire. It’s only funny on accident.

Saturday, September 28, 2002

28-29 SEP 02

Most crimes are committed by young men. I remember being a young man, if I was bored enough for a long enough time I’d end up doing something really stupid.

I have an Evil Plan™, a Nefarious Scheme™, that I’m certain will reduce young men’s tendency towards criminal behavior worldwide. This plan involves me being absolute ruler of the entire human race.

Surrender now. My rule will not be a reign of terror but there will be the occasional light shower.

After My arbitrary will becomes law, the entire island of New Guinea will be turned over to My Ministry of Painful Corrective Action. My MPCA will eliminate all traces of modern life from the island and seed it with every dangerous plant and animal from this world and any other world My Ministry of Space Exploration and Universal Domination might discover. Any of My loyal (or else) subjects who inhabit either Papua New Guinea or the Indonesian state of Irian Jaya may remain on the island provided they agree to live as stone age cannibal headhunters. Platforms will be built at five mile intervals one mile from the shore and the costal waters will be seeded with great white sharks. The island will be renamed “Hell” and allowed to stew for a few years to let the new ecologies settle in.

After Hell is ready the real fun begins. Sometime in their 14th year all young men will be taken without warning by My MPCA and dropped into the center of Hell with only a loincloth and a bowie knife. They must make their way through the cannibal headhunters and dangerous animals of the interior to the coast. If they survive that, they must then swim through the shark infested waters to the platforms. My MPCA boats will make regular circuits and will pick the little darlings up. After the initial visit, any male who transgresses My law will be returned to Hell.

All of this will serve three purposes. The first will be a rite of passage for young men everywhere; don’t discount the value of a good ritual. The second will be a weeding process; any youth who doesn’t survive wouldn’t be fit to be conscripted into My legions. The last will be that the promise of a return trip for scofflaws will be a gentle push to abstentiousness.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

posted by latiolais at 0800  

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